Needs

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BASIC NEEDS

Our feelings are messengers trying to tell us what our needs are.
Underneath all the layers of our emotions, at the core, lies a true, valid need.

I like to categorize all of my needs into one of the 6 Basic Human Needs categories spoken of by Tony Robbins.

When it comes to resolving trauma, I like to focus on the first 4 of these basic human needs:

  1. Connection
    Attunement - to be deeply seen, heard, and understood
    Secure Attachment
    Love
    Belonging

  2. Significance
    Importance
    To Matter
    To be Special

  3. Certainty
    Survival - air, water, food, shelter, etc
    Safety
    Security - Emotional or Financial
    Stability
    Solitude
    Comfort
    Health
    Well-Being

  4. Uncertainty
    Novelty (Newness)
    Variety
    Spontaneity
    Adventure
    Pleasant Surprises


Once those 4 basic needs are being met on a consistent basis, then I turn my attention to the other 2 basic human needs:
Growth and Contribution.



For many of us, our basic needs were not met on a consistent basis when we were growing up.

We may not even be aware of what the basic needs of humans are. Learning about them can be life-changing.









NEED-BASED COMMUNICATION

In 2014, I learned about Non-Violent Communication (NVC), which was created by Marshall Rosenberg, by reading his book Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life.

NVC involves the expression of feelings and needs.

The protocol for how to do NVC felt too formulaic, awkward and unnatural to me, however, and I struggled to remember the 4 or so simple steps involved.

Eventually I realized that NVC basically just boils down to being aware of Needs. After that, I quit trying to memorize a formula and just focused on identifying my own and others' true needs.

The essence of NVC for me is Awareness:

  • Striving to be aware of what my true needs are in each moment.

  • Silently listening for what the true needs of others might be.

The better I get at identifying my own true needs by feeling my feelings and neutralizing my anchors, the better I get at correctly guessing what the true needs of other people might be, even if they themselves do not know (which is very often the case).

Marshall said that in our natural state, we are aware of our needs from moment to moment, and we naturally want to help others get their needs met.

Trauma disconnects us from ourselves and others, making it difficult to identify our needs and cutting us off from our natural (social) desire to help others get their needs met.

4 Aspects of NVC:

  • Active Listening
    Verbally stating what I hear or understand the feelings and need(s) of the other person to be.

    "It sounds like you are feeling ________________ because you have a need to/for ________________."


  • Expression
    Verbally stating my feelings and needs.

    "I feel ________________ because I have a need to/for ________________."


  • Requests
    Making a request for help getting my needs met.

    "Would you be willing to help me get my need for ________________ met by ________________?"

    I am totally okay with receiving a "no" to my request.
    I keep in mind what Tom Bond likes to say - that there are 999,999 ways to get a need met.

    I am willing to keep asking around until I find someone, who can help meet my need or direct me to the right resource.


  • Appreciation
    Expressing appreciation in a way that acknowledges how another person helped me meet a need that I had and how I feel about getting that need met.

    "Thank you for ________________. That really met my need for ________________. I am feeling ________________."


There are other terms for NVC, such as Compassionate Communication, which I like a lot.

Need-Based Communication (NBC) is my term for NVC.

I mostly just engage in the listening aspect of NBC - silent or active listening.

If it would be appropriate and helpful, I will sometimes engage in one or more of the verbal aspects, too.









NEED PHRASE


When I am triggered, I may find myself trying to control a situation, outcome, or person or force someone to meet my needs or believing that there is only one way my need can be met or only one person who can meet my need.

When someone else is triggered, they may be doing those things to me.

In those cases, I often turn to one or both of my need phrases to help me shift my perspective.

"May I find another way to get my need met, which I am looking for in this person."

"May this person find another way to get their need met, which they are looking for in me."















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