BIG 3
There are three key emotions I pay close attention to - Anger, Grief, and Fear.
I call them the Big 3.
I learn a lot by paying attention to these three emotions.
Anger is hugely important.
It is a sign that something is wrong.
It tells us "Something is not right here."
Anger is self-validating.
It says "I've been mistreated. I was worth more than that."
Often the first thing that people who were traumatized need to feel is anger.
Many are cut off from their anger.
Anger may be subverted under grief, guilt, or other emotions.
Many people are afraid to express anger, feeling that it is too dangerous
because someone in the childhood home could not regulate their emotions
and got violent when they were angry.
On the other hand, anger may be a mask, hiding grief, fear or other emotions.
Grief (Sadness) says "It wasn't my fault. I can't control others' decisions."
Sadness is a way of delivering us to the other side of something.
It can be a sign that we are ready to move through something.
"I can start bringing this to an end. There are new beginnings."
Grief is like a boat that carries us across a river to the other side.
I have heard it said that anxiety is a sign that we have stuck grief.
Fear usually boils down to one of two things:
fear of not getting something we want
or fear of losing something we have.
LAYERS
At a Grief Workshop many years ago, I learned that underneath all anger there is grief;
underneath all grief there is fear;
and underneath all fear there is love.
Although emotions can be layered in other orders as well,
if I am feeling one of the Big 3, I have found it helpful to ask myself
"What is the grief underneath this anger?"
"What is the fear beneath this grief?"
"What is it the love beneath the fear?"
(What is it that I deeply love that is buried beneath this fear?)
What I love is connected to a true need that I have.
DAILY CLEAN
I catch these 3 emotions in my daily negative emotion clean-up process (see previous page).
Michael Brown talks about them in his book The Presence Process.
He lays out a daily practice for noticing any time you feel one of these 3 emotions
and stopping to feel it and meditate on it.
DEEP CLEAN
To get even more liberation,
I periodically do a deep clean by taking an inventory of either
my Resentments (long-standing anger), Grief or Fears.
A periodic deep clean like this is a top-down approach.
I choose when to do such an emotional deep clean wisely, though,
because it can stir up a lot of negative emotions
that aren't normally near the surface.
This can be disruptive and feel painful and/or re-traumatizing.
In addition to bringing negative emotions (such as anger) to the surface,
it might cause some dissociation and/or cravings to show up.
I try to carve out 4 weeks to complete a deep cleaning.
I try not to drag the process out too long,
because that will lengthen the amount of time
I spend with the negative emotions stirred up.
I pick a month when there isn't anything majorly stressful going on in my life
(such as moving or starting a new job)
and when there aren't any major social events or gatherings that I need to show up for.
I clear my calendar of commitments as much as possible and
avoid scheduling new appointments or social engagements during this time.
I avoid doing a deep cleaning right before or during the holidays,
especially a Resentment inventory.
Holidays can be stressful enough on their own.
Plus, I might be spending time during the holidays with some of the people I feel resentful towards.
I try to avoid them while my negative emotions are being brought up to the surface (to be cleared out).
These kinds of deep cleans can be especially painful the first time we do it.
Also, if we have done similar inventories in the past without neutralizing the underlying trauma,
we might feel reluctant to undertake one again because we did not get full relief.
Some of the same resentments, fears and grief might still be alive for us.
Once I experienced the liberation that comes from doing a deep clean with a focus on
neutralizing past trauma,
I looked forward to doing them in the future rather than dreading them,
and future deep cleans were not nearly as painful.
I always come out on the other side of an emotional deep cleaning experience with a new perspective
and a new understanding of myself, other people, life, and the world around me.
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This website does not contain medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
The information on this website is not meant be used as a substitute
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