SECURE ATTACHMENT
Gabor Mate points out that our primary drive is for secure attachment,
and this need is so strong it can even override our strongest instint,
which is survival.
This is true for many species.
For example, a baby duck will attach to another animal, such as a horse or cat,
if it cannot securely attach to its parent.
A human infant or child, who cannot securely attach to a primary caregiver,
might attach to their toys (inanimate objects), the family pet, or their peers.
Who or what did you attach to as an infant/child?
There are 4 main types of attachment styles.
- Secure Attachment, which can be learned at any time (any age).
- Anxious Attachment - this can manifest as clingy and too needy, pushing for increased intimacy when afraid. As a result of being left on your own too much, physically and emotionally, you yearn for a close connection with someone, who will be around all the time and do everything with you.
- Avoidant Attachment - this can manifest as being too distant in general and pulling away from intimacy when things get scary. As a result of a caregiver not giving you any space, you now want lots of space in a relationship.
- Disorganized Attachment - this is a combination of anxious and avoidant.
Sometimes you are anxious (needy) because you are starved for love,
and sometimes you are avoidant (running away from love) because intimacy feels too scary.
There is strong evidence for a connection between addiction and disorganized attachment, according to Dr Mark Schwartz. I think he is onto something. In one survey, 95% of the addicted participants had a disorganized attachment style.
How exactly to go about developing secure attachment is an area I will be investigating in the future.
Teal Swan says that if you are anxious, getting into a relationship where you do everything together
(including grocery shopping and work) will be healing and make you feel more secure;
and that if you are avoidant, getting into a relationship where you have plenty of space
and don't feel suffocated will be healing and make you feel more secure.