WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN ACTIVATED
Do Not Engage with Others
I have learned to refrain from speaking and acting when I am in an activated state.
Anything I say is going to have a harsh edge to it.
Any actions I take while in that state are likely to go wrong, have bad results, and create more problems.
There is no problem a triggered/activated state can't make worse.
- I do not go shopping or run errands.
- I do not go to my appointments if I can reschedule or cancel without penalty.
- I do not act on my feelings.
- I do not speak, including to inform, educate, defend/explain myself, try to set a boundary, or even ask clarifying questions.
Sometimes I strongly believe that I need to ask a clarifying question in order to understand the situation better or understand what the other person meant by what they said or did.
But I don't.
I always manage to uncover and neutralize my past trauma without asking the other person involved to explain anything to me.
It is not about them or what they meant or their perception of what I said or did.
It is about what came up for me based on what I perceived.
(The view that I took about what happened - what I made of it)
The urge to set an external boundary and inform others of our boundaries typically vanishes, after neutralizing the past trauma.
When I am neutral, I set boundaries (healthy limits) internally around my own behavior, not externally around other people's behavior.
I decide what I will do in response to what others say and do instead of trying to control what they say or do. - I do not make phone calls.
- I do not send text messages.
- I do not send emails.
- I do not leave someone a note.
I learned to practice restraint of tongue, pen and fingers (typing) when activated.
This is extremely difficult because in survival mode everything feels urgent
since we are focused on surviving the next 2 minutes.
We often feel an urgent need to resolve a problem by speaking or taking swift action.
We feel compelled by our survival brain.
Speaking or acting while activated (in Survival mode) is almost always a bad idea.
Although my intentions may be good, the results will likely be bad,
making the situation worse, rather than better
After the past trauma is neutralized,
I become aware of what my present needs really are,
and I can take appropriate action to meet those needs.
Any actions I take in an activated state will likely be inappropriate
because they are related to something that happened in the past
more than what is happening in the present.
The desire to speak or take swift action to resolve a problem tends to vanish
as soon as the past trauma is resolved.
Once the past trauma is neutralized, my nervous system switches
from survival mode back into Social Engagement (Safe and Social) mode.
Then I can interact safely with others.
Then I will be open to logic and reason and be able to apply it to my current situation.
I will reconnect with my loving, caring feelings towards others and return to honoring promises,
agreements and contracts.
My digestive, immune and reproductive systems will come back online.
The only exception I make to the no-speak/no-act rule of thumb is reaching out
to a qualified person for help to de-escalate my reaction
and uncover and neutralize the past trauma.