NEED-BASED COMMUNICATION
In 2014, I learned about Non-Violent Communication (NVC),
which was created by Marshall Rosenberg. I read his book
Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life.
NVC involves the expression of feelings and needs.
But the protocol for how to do NVC felt too formulaic to me - too awkward and unnatural -
and I struggled to remember the few simple steps involved.
Eventually I realized that NVC basically just boils down to being Aware of Needs.
Marshall said that in our natural state,
we are aware of our needs from moment to moment,
and we naturally want to help others get their needs met.
After I realized that, I quit trying to memorize a formula and just focused on
identifying my own and others' true needs.
- Striving to be aware of what my true needs are in each moment.
- Silently listening for what the true needs of others might be.
The better I get at identifying my own true needs,
the better I get at correctly guessing what the true needs of other people might be -
even if they themselves do not know (which is very often the case).
Trauma disconnects us from ourselves and others,
making it difficult to identify our own needs and cutting us off
from our natural (social) desire to help others get their needs met.
Neutralizing past trauma and feeling my feelings improves my ability to identify my own
and others' needs.
There are other terms for NVC, such as Compassionate Communication, which I like a lot.
Need-Based Communication (NBC) is the term I came up with.
I mostly just engage in silent listening for needs.
If it would be appropriate and helpful, I will sometimes engage in one or more
of the verbal aspects listed below.
4 Aspects of NVC:
- Active Listening
Verbally stating what I hear or understand the feelings and need(s) of the other person to be.
"It sounds like you are feeling ________________ because you have a need to/for ________________." - Expression
Verbally stating my feelings and needs.
"I feel ________________ because I have a need to/for ________________." - Requests
Making a request for help getting my needs met.
"Would you be willing to help me get my need for ________________ met by ________________?"
I am totally okay with receiving a "no" to my request.
I keep in mind what Tom Bond likes to say - that there are 9,999 ways to get a need met.
I am willing to keep asking around until I find someone, who can help meet my need or direct me to the right resource. - Appreciation
Expressing appreciation in a way that acknowledges how another person helped me meet a need that I had and how I feel about getting that need met.
"Thank you for ________________. That really met my need for ________________. I am feeling ________________."